It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
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Am getting real tired of your crap…
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Skills
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.