Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me:

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.