It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
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I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
What.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.