It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
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My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.