It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
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A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Matt Goss
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it