It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
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i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
How to draw a duck
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.