It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
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The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
From my Mom
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.