Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Encore…

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life