It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
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“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
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TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide