Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

reduce, reuse, recycle

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏