It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
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Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Never ghost your hitman.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”