It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
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To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
accurate
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
my proudest tweet
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch