It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
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The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
being human is disgusting sometimes but i don’t think i’d want to be a fish
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.