Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

Autocorrect completely socks

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”