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DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.
That’s why… not cause he was right or anything
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.