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I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.