Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

If looks could kill

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”