Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

shampoo implies shampee

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.