“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
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Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.