Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.