It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
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I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild