It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
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[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it