It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
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*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
some Old Testament wisdom
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*