“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
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[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
it was love at first sight
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”