Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

😂

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

This is my cat’s medicine.

*puts words between two asterisks*

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”