“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
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My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach