Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my fav colour is also hitler

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

:/

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.