Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

それは草

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

@funTweeters I am at your service….

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.