It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
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Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.