It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
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“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.