@cortronic

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

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@TheOnion

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

@badbanana

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

@Freudianscript

I’m not real good at talking my way out of trouble, since it’s the talking that got me in to trouble in the first place.

@SteveSackington

My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today.

He is survived by his wife Linda.
In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.

@Scriblit

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

@Birdhumms

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

@LikChan

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

@freemcns

grandpa joe : stays in bed for 20 yrs letting his poor family take care of him and not doing shit to help them
charlie : gets a golden ticket
grandpa joe :

@ElgatoEsmio

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN