It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
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Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.