It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
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You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Its true…
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
He has no idea 🤡
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you