It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
You Might Also Like
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Kids: Stay in school.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Lmao 🤣
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!