Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

Me irl

So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”

Artwork by Herta Burbe

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem