It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
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Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
never compromise your values
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.