I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
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Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I wish I had a bear so I could take him hiking and camping
So if we ran into other bears, he’d be like “It’s cool, man, he’s with me.”
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?