Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

My patience has stretch marks.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

4: I need my princess dress NOW!

Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!

4: Who are you talking to?

Me: Your servants

4: I don’t have servants

Me: Exactly