It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
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My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
#ParentingFacts
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
How software testing works
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.