It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
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[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
With a text.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Still my favourite meme.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work