Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.