Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.

Me: why are you not drinking your milk?

3: it’s too cow-ey

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend