It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
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But is it really??
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.