It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
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It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Had to try this trend 😊
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.