It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
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please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
shakira sharkira
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face