It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
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interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Taco Bell, Exit 22
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.