It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
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Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes