It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
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Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
The best shot in the history of golf
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Broom by every window for quick escape.
