It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
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Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.