It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
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ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
The pasta is now
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe