It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
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Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Me trying to reach for my goals
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
respect
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.