Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

Stick it to the man

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]