Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.

Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”

My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.

Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

I’m pretty like a car crash.

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too