Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

I didn’t come here to be called names

True

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.