Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

Good morning y’all ☀️

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

As a doctor, I can confirm

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

uncle dave has been through hell

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.