Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.