Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IT’S-A ME,

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear

THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?

ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.