It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
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I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though