It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
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Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.