It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
You Might Also Like
some things should go without saying
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me