I triple waxed for this?
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The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Pizza is an emotion right?
never compromise your values
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.