Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

Good morning, Twitter x

✌️

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

LOL