Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

I try

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”