Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.