It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
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*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.