It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
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mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Donkey Kong sommelier
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.