Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!

Traffic stop

Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car

Me: it was like that when I bought it

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.