Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.

to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD