Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
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sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
bout dat hot dog summer
