Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.