@scorpicpanda

It’s like Grandma used to say, “All men are hilarious, until you marry one.”

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@primawesome

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

@skickwriter

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

@TheHyyyype

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

@ibid78

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Jesus turned it into wine.

@NicestHippo

[girlfriend yelling]
You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names!
[she knocks over my dead hamster’s shrine]
GILGAMESH!

@VerbsRProudest

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

@c12h22o11balls

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

@wendchymes

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

@DanTaylorAuthor

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

@SheaSerrano

i don’t care what anyone says Baby Groot is perfect and i would gladly trade any of my children for him