boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
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Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
accurate
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.